Scared and Trying

The days start and end with just one worry ......will I be able to make it ?

Only 3 universities I will be applying to . Only 3 .

Will this year end with a hope ?

Will the dreariness of life end ?

Will life change ?

Is following your dream happiness ?

Or is surrendering to the spirit happiness ?

Does surrendering to the spirit mean giving up on your dreams ?

It never felt right to me , that definition of surrender .

Maybe I am not ready to give up yet .

Maybe I am not ready for surrender .

I have struggled a lot about this and I have come to the conclusion

That I will try , I will not give up , although the possibility that this may not give me complete happiness remains , as

I cannot rest in peace otherwise , so simple .

What human beings set as goals never gives them complete happiness , but when they are guided by the spirit they are fulfilled was what I read .

But the spirit that urges me on is the one INSIDE me . So I take this as a guidance of the spirit . I am no Moses , Jesus or Muhammad for the Spirit to guide me from outside .

I have no idea why I think like this ........have fallen in this habit of evaluating each decision spiritually and practically both . It leads to so much unnecessary thinking when

All One really has to do is cut the crap and simply DO IT .

Comedy of terrors

Ok I should really consider becoming a convert... for health reasons.. ROFL..

So my roomy runs in my room with her lappy.. jumping on my bed insisting I watch bigg boss snippets with her.. and bless her soul I haven't laughed so much in such a long time.. we were literally off the bed rolling on the carpet.. laughing our intestines out.. such that my freaking liver still hurts..

hats off to the team for this intricate screening process and zeroing on 14 or count as many retards... some bordering towards psychosis.. so while the fight snippet between sky (who calls himself tht.. wasn't this dude tulsi's psycho son.. now I know why.. LOL) and Pooja Misra (I had to learn her full name.. she deserves at least that.. lmao).. was complete gibberish with entertainment value of million bucks.. I didn't know who to focus on.. both with impeccably retarded facial contortions and expressions.. but in tht remarkable exchange.. I have to give it to the guy... he was miles ahead.. for once bouncer queen went on the backfoot on a yorker.. some of the treasured moments were barbie girl, talking to toilet, oh yeah yeah (my personal fave) and diwani chichori..who writes their dialogues.. I wanna urge him to go the fiction comedy route after this.. ROFL

but that was just the trailer it seems coz today's epi was total comedy of errors.. as sky unlimited took off from where he left the other day.. hoping to get a better competitor this time.. but he lacked his charming gibberish from the other day.. apart from the tu kaun hain.. teri aukaad kya hain.. I guess the dialogue writer was doped.. ROFL.. he yet again chose the wrong one.. or rather diff species.. the ones who cry... or howl to prove a point.. but what was best was this new interpretation of comedy of errors-read terrors.. while fight no.1 took off.. 2 others tried to gather attn.. why should only 2 get footage.. the hapless supporting cast didn't know where to run.. or whom to console.. the hilariously howling victimized girl.. or the AC-DC fuse confuse guy.. or the 'I dont eat a lot.. I am not a child.. stupid american behavior kid' (pray tell me what he meant by american behavior.. brit condescension would be more apt I wld think.. or just white man's burden.. ROFL) or the afghani gal who din't know the difference btw daal and gobi.. (give her some meat will ya).. and finally the queen of terror.. who stood in the bg thinking wth.. these ppl are all taking center stage snatching her performance.. so she comes with a scratched hand and involves the only guy that was left out.. ROFL.. this whole scene in some ways reminded me of the EPIC Mahabharat scene of Jane Bhi Do yaron.. in terms of comedy of errors.. at least I laughed the same amount.. after so long..

What an end.. at 2am barbie cum chucky (from child's play) wants to have the final scream.. ROFL.. but serious consideration does tht babe realize she is projecting a substantial case of schizophrenia in her 'someone or the other is trying to physically harm me' bouts of hers.. or does she completely lack creativity to come up with a different premise.. seriously someone needs to tell her what she is projecting consciously or not.. DOES HAVE A CLINICAL NAME... but wonder who will coz the other 13 are pretty precious too.. what a fitting finale.. when the by-sleepers joke about her captaincy skills and the prospects.. ROFL.. this is turning out to be quite an entertaining piece of gibberish fiction.. 

summing up with my roomies golden words.. this is by far the best after DDs comedy show that came with the caption of NON-STOP NONSENSE.. re-creating a priceless niche unintentionally but doing a fab job.. my only concern.. one of these will win a huge amount of money.. and the rest will sometime or the other face the world again.. god save humanity.. or at least the little fraction of sane ones.. ROFL

Curious cases of contrivance

First of all A very happy diwali and prosperous year ahead to you guys.. back to finding some rhythm in my life after a hectic weekend and a stressful and busy week.

A mid-week diwali entailed very simple and commonplace celebration.. sojourn with few friends over dinner, cooking, baking, rangoli, dia'tea light designs etc.. and lighthearted banter apart.. my roomy started talking about the curious case of human mind.. our fatal attraction towards contrivance.. she is less of a cynic than me.. but she told me she tried watching bigg boss and discontinued as the fights and uncouthness... and mirk spreading was really depressing to watch.. especially coz she thought at first it could have been a healthy conviction battle between strong willed working women.. mostly urbane.. I laughed her off saying reality shows are all about stupid sensationalism and trying to prove how low one could stoop for money.. and sadly loads of people need that kind of money.. I wont judge them.. but its just sad.. whats even worse is the vicious cycle.. they make money.. they act barbarian.. and we decide to sit and devour such crass..

She wanted to prove her initial point so made me see the f-fwd version of intro epi and I must say I was entertained to see Salman mostly but yes the line up was better off than most times (although I havent seen any season totally).. I admire Raageshwari for her music and videos and more so ever since she fought facial palsy to spring back.. Gulabo Sapera's birth story was moving.. Laxmi's cause was noble.. Pooja Bedi sorta tried representing a middle-aged single mother.. urbane in her own rights.. Mandeep was witty and the boxer pregnant girl undoubtedly the prettiest.. (I guess her pregnancy had something to do with it).. but then my roomy zipped to a recent epi.. showing some Shraddha girl fighting cats and dogs with Bedi and some other female Pooja someone (in normal world one would call her retard) screaming at the top of her freaking lungs to prove some point.. which seemed like a mere collision accident.. and then thrusting "respect women..." crap down the unfortunately entrapped guy.. LOL.. I laughed out loud and told my roomy.. Dolly Bindra set a standard and these females just wanna grab quick attention that ways.. but Bindra atleast looked convincing in her barbarics.. these people are cheap imitations..

but the point being.. where 14 educated, or strong -willed women of their own rights could have made the show different.. all that grabs attention are 55847372 cat fights.. coz TRPs demand such.. and why so may I ask.. BB doesn't target the rural audience in the interiors of India.. the sad answer is the so-called educated urban junta wants to watch this high volume non-sense instead of a cult fiction like Mukti Bandhan.. therefore we have reality shows like Roadies showing the real distasteful youth in India.. the only season which showed educated normal youth (including a friend of mine.. pretty much why I even followed it ) was its worst TRP season.. my friend told me Raghu was begged to be back with his sensational contrivance for the show coz that's what makes Roadies such a hype..

there is nothing novel or surprising about what I just wrote.. incidentally missing home on diwali I opened TOI page to browse thro some festivities only to see news on scams, cat fights.. some bihari dude winning 5 crores and an ensuing marathi-bihari virtual war.. that's India for you on Diwali.. I am disillusioned.. I really want to return for my family.. but right now that remains my only reason.. coz mera bharat mahaan NAHI hain.. and I am but a mere mortal without superpowers bestowed on me by any SRK et al to even think of driving a change...

without more digression ..they say if you cant beat them join them.. so while Indian TV is ruled by inane romance or scheming plotting domesticities in the name of fiction and totally distasteful slander sprouting educated or rustic people in the name of reality.. I am sitting on the side.. re-watching MB.. and hoping to find bearings to continue my SS.. TV for me is back to being zilch after 10 months.. 

The belief in Fate

Do you believe in fate ?

Do you believe in God ?

Do you believe in karma and its cycle that shapes fate ?

Or do you believe that one makes his own destiny ?

All the 4 thought processes fascinate me . I keep thinking about them as I view my own life and also the lives of various others who I come in contact with .

If the fourth question that I posed is to be believed , why is it that not all can get what they want inspite of being immensely talented ? Somewhere the luck factor evades them . Perfectly ordinary people seem to get the best out of life while the talented ones do NOT necessarily make it big .

It seems Annapurna Devi , The wife [ divorced} of Pandit Ravi Shankar played the sitar even better than him . She was the daughter of Ravi Shankar's Guru . Yet , after marraige , due to husband's insistence [ some say } she did NOT play in the public eye as much as she should have . Later the discord in her marraige [ she was of a very sensitive artistic temperament } made her a recluse and she withdrew to the extent that even her near and dear ones hardly got to see her .

The world lost a sitarist of an exceptional genius like calibre they say . All the eminent musicians who have heard her play have agreed in unison on this .....She played BETTER than her husband .

I read up a lot on Annapurna Devi . The last journalist who traced the recluse and talked to her and heard her play ...........he had requested her to give him lessons as a shishya........came back stymied .

I wanted to write and become an author . It was my childhood dream .

But Each time I tried , I was accepted in the creative writing programs but turned down by the graduate schools due to some faltoo technicality .

Once it was my recommendation letters ......they were not good enough .

Twice it was health issue .

Once it was the damned GRE exam . It had a maths section which was the rquirement of some graduate schools . I have lost touch with it .I never WAS a Math person . But hey I could WRITE . One does not need to know Math to write .

The amazing thing was , my writing sample was appreciated by the directors of the program who spoke personally to me and assured me I was selected .They liked it so much that they phoned me .

I could not make it as a writer .

Far inferior writers have however made it .

Is it my Fate ? I remember an astrologer who told me years ago .........You will never make it as a writer . You have talent, perhaps more so than the others but there is no glory , recognition and appreciation in your fate .

I still try . Some part of me is refusing to give up .

I believe it wants to manifest itself as thats who I am .

Will my Fate hamper me ?

Wll praying to God help me ?God knows I have prayed hard enough .

Its easy to say I make My own destiny ........better said then done , right ?

Your thoughts would help my friends . Waiting for them .

The Virani Versatility

the 5th may epi.. showed exactly what each Virani was made of... wisdom.. honor.. .. practicality.. conviction.. maturity.. benevolence.. idealism.. and finally Pride..

The SR crisis was wisely diffused by Charu- the poise, maturity and wisdom of a matriarch...Charulata Virani was made of steel yet sugar coated..I loved how she remained empathetic towards Rajvi while justifying Sid's wrath.. at the same time giving Devki's intent benefit.. Loved the approval in VVs eyes.. everytime his mother spoke.. especially about the futility of breaking ties and family fragmentation.. a whole chapter of wisdom by Charu was supplemented by 2 golden words by our dark lord.. honor and expectations.. expectation from Rajvi who unlike the amateur Devki.. knew just how to keep the Virani honor as she had done so successfully.. LOL.. this is sheer businessman.. Rajvi has no option but to sell out.. LOL..

the idealist Viranis.. Baa-bapuji presuming conveniently that Sid's statement was of course a fabricated article issued by IMV.. his desperate measure to keep Sid at bay.. LOL do they know IMV or what..if anything that man must have slept most peacefully after the blown out of proportion incident.. coz he knew rather well Sid would make ammends.. hence in IMVs shrewd mind there was no need for rein check on his kid.. a smart man like IMV never wastes his moves.. on anything that doesn't require it..

My fave scene was objectivity and benevolence mix in the honorable man VV.. trying to explain to D.. exactly what and how things stand wrt Sid and the Viranis.. to the point reading.. the article is Sid's attempt of proving a point finally after last night.. as D reels in guilt he tells her there is no such need.. he is with her on it.. he knows she only has best intentions for his family.. and appreciates all she has done for them.. and that gives D the flight of fancy.. to question if he agrees to her intent.. then why not with her conviction that Sid's happiness lies in pursuing his dreams.. and I love what V says.. when dreams are unreal.. its best to make a dream out of reality.. so very true.. amazing approach.. D argues that one can't build an empire on the graveyard of desire.. true that.. but why graveyard.. why does it have to be so extreme is my question.. its never ying or yang.. and V tells her. .. her reasoning here is flawed.. there is nothing wrong in a father to have expectation from his sons.. love the one gen makes an empire.. the 2nd a legacy line... Bow down to thee VV.. you rocked this scene.. and ended it just as well... as he commends her for the breakfast ritual.. telling her if SR meet her at breakfast to tell them to get over it.. and not sensationalize it.. ROFL.. that was my fave moment.. only to check himself.. "but in better words" this guy is ultra adorable.. a living example of friend, philosopher, guide.

IMV-D moment was just as it always is.. highlight.. love how IMV says irrespective of others.. I will always join you for breakfast.. tells her the pros of her honest mistake.. only to warn her not to make it a habit.. LOL.. IMV had this cryptic parental affection towards D.. he treated her no different than his kids.. subconsciously

the Virani vs Virani at breakfast was total paisawasool.. as master rants on his ideologies on responsibility and freedom and IMV listens to everything.. retaining table manners of not speaking while eating.. only to excuse himself after breakfast.. but not before he refutes master's statement.. D has a long way to go to even understand her responsibility in this domesticity.. to assume the right to lead a path of freedom.. Love how he closes the duel by insinuating his expectation from D.. she is smart to see beyond your convenient instigation.. and do self-evaluation. Check Mate.. oh dark lord.. each word that comes out thy mouth is reverence.

And ofcourse the last scene... the PRIDE ... of a father towards his son.. and Sid's hint of pain.. only to be replaced by relief and joy at finally finding the moment when he could touch his dad.. make him aware of his presence in his life.. I loved the mixed emotions of Sid as IMV gifts him the pen and hugs him.. all doubts from IMVs end are relinquished.. whereas Sid is relieved for such.. happy to finally connect with his father.. but reminded of the cost he had to pay for it.. Sid's story had a lot of scope.. it did progress rather well and prosaic till the end.. I can never get over how he cried like a child.. at realizing what he lost.. when IMV changed to Ishwar.. he was the only kid who mourned at the loss of his father.. the same father he admired.. worked towards building a connect with.. tale of the underdog.. dark horse Virani..

in all the many faces of Viranis..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAM5ai8AInE&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLaoE0ry2Hs

Dreams on fire: Siddharth's saga..

watching the Sid track in MB.. what a track and what definition each character had in that dining table where the painting was revealed. first of all about the paintings.. All the ones that were shown were almost from a common theme... giving an insight into Sid.. whether it was the solitary woman.. in contemplation/ melancholy holding the bark or the one he paints in the picnic.. the angel.. trying to fly.. give flights to desire.. I always drew a picture of Sid similar to Sid in DCH.. one who had his own world and persona.. someone his closed ones couldn't either relate to or admired from outside without quite knowing him.. I loved the expression of each person in the dining table.. as D inadvertently opened a can of worms.. IMVs complete disproval, Charu's helplessness, Rajvi's aghast comprehension of the repercussions.. Baa, Master, Nirali's silent resignation of the scheme of things..

I loved Sid's anguish in the whole dining table convo.. esp as IMV related how he was ashamed of his own son's lack of ambition and regard for his business.. a legacy he was born into.. Sid's pain.. re-living that sense of alienation yet again was impeccably portrayed by Raj.. one of his best in the show.. and finally his statement.. to his father yet again.. albeit in utter frustration and angst-ridden helplessness.. one can see just how much Sid loved his father.. he alienated himself.. his desires.. his own individuality and essence for his dad.. reminds me of the time Charu told V in the car that ppl think me and Sid are weak to not stand for our rights.. but we are just caught in our bandhan.. of love for your father..

Raj does even better.. completely in the skin of the self-imposed exile man.. burning his dreams yet again.. more apparently than figuratively.. for his father's benefit.. as IMV the sole man on the table sits thro it stone-faced.. bearing the burden of his conviction.. that life taught him.. and coming to one of my fave scenes btw D- Sid.. as Sid sits in his room.. brooding alone.. gulping his silent pain.. and D presents herself as the perfect target of outburst.. simply LOVE sid here.. the way he says.. 'tumhe lagaa'.. brilliant.. that you walked in this dysfunctional family with a magic wand.. that you are gifted intellectually to find solutions without dwelling on the problem.. I love how he reverts.. we come together in the dining table with our compromises.. not our honesties.. and I dont give you the right to think and take actions on my behalf.. have I ever exercised any such rights.. of interfering in your and Vs life..

I love this scene for how extremely realistic it is. one of my biggest pet peeve is showing the female lead as some superhuman with magical healing powers.. like the rest of the characters have no freaking clue about their life whatsoever.. I definitely have no such tolerance for this level of intrusion.. every relationship has its boundaries and overstepping it is not ok.. what Charu and Rajvi can tell Sid, D can't.. these are little life lessons that D did get in the virani household.. that things are not as simple as they seem.. making someone happy isnt tht easy.. that person needs to be at peace first.. Sid telling her the repercussions of her juvenile actions was heartbreaking.. poor guy till the very end he keeps working on his equation with his dad.. the amount of effort he puts into it.. sigh.. its a big lesson for D to think.. that impulsive actions are dangerous.. what befalls on Rajvi for no fault of hers.. the lack of trust from Sid's end...

Ds idealism was always OTT.. but the people in the Virani household whether Charu, Sid or VV were shown to have that balance.. that maturity and objectivity to keep her in check..

And next of course is the teasing battle of convictions between IMV-D.. What I simply love about IMV is.. no matter how stringent and politically incorrect his convictions are.. they have some character.. he lives and believes them like no one's business.. although D says the idealistic things.. his lines on 'beta baap ke mahatvakansha ka vistaar hota hain.. ' you know his convictions are deep rooted.. he has lived it.. I love how he says.. a hotel owner doesnt cook in his kitchen.. ROFL..

the next intriguing bit.. and of course.. when my hormones dance.. rofl.. VV comes and is a silent spectator to the domestic drama.. after a hard long day at work.. LOL.. I love how he keeps the observant stand.. not taking any stand.. in front of his father or D.. although IMV is more than willing to involve him.. lol.. I love how V looks at the burning painting.. gathering the whole scenario of conflict.. and decides his stand while taking the flight of stairs.. IMV throws tantrums.. but the finality.. Goosebump inspiring.. the verdict.. till the time you gather the strength to contest my conviction fairly.. dont try to over-ride the decorum I have decided on ... AMAZING.. and even better.. how he stops Charu from nursing her pain.. the guru re-surfacing.. she needs to learn through her pain.. each pays for his/ her actions.. Charu's silent plea to V.. LOL.. as usual it falls on that guy..

S/R equation here is rather interesting too.. Rajvi knows she is teasing a volcano..but she can't help it.. he needs her support.. she bears the brunt of loving him unconditionally.. when he tells her the only inch of relationship they shared was trust.. and that too shook today.. her helplessness is heartbreaking.. but she holds her dignity and decides to walk out..

My V jaap in progress.. by now I was head over heels for this guy.. seriously.. he waits till they are in the room.. explains the situation to her.. as a bystander.. someone who has an objective reading of Sid's anguish.. but also supports his father's stand.. and sees nothing wrong in Sid choosing the practical way of life.. coz he risks to lose a lot more than he would want to otherwise.. I absolutely love how he chides her.. without raising a voice.. in his characteristic matter of factness.. without knowing all the complexities.. the layers.. why did you take such an impulsive action.. I love his tone.. he is empathetic to her intent.. but intolerant to her thoughtlessness.. sigh the V I loved so much.. even more when Rajvi comes in to vent her anger, furstration, pain.. humiliation.. and if one notices V here.. he doesn't like it one bit.. someone speaking to D like that.. but at the same time he is smart enough to know.. that he shouldn't speak up.. would only make matters worse.. but love how he tells D the next day .. to tell Rajvi not to overreact.. but in better words.. ROFL.. gosh.. I wished to have a partner like this.. still do.. the VV at this stage was like my dream man.. and he only gets better in the CP track..that reminds me.. I was to start writing the next part of my SS.. LOL

oh isn't it amazing.. that SO much happens in one epi.. just ONE EPI.. so many progression.. emotions galore.. conviction contest.. outburst.. reflections.. happen in a week's worth in other shows.. but this is MB for you.. so much packed in one epi.. but each scene and its gravity given the due.. quintessential Vipul Mehta's objective screenplay.. you end up feelings for everyone.. not knowing whom to empathize for.. or disregard.. the beauty of MB

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1_Z7E_Y650

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic6IQtBlCZE

Ram Singh's rant

so while we still havent found any common show to watch and dwell on.. am gonna bore you guys with Vintage MB.. after the stoically melancholic scene of IMV.. with his chanda and the bade achche lagte hain song..which he confessed to her later.. was the medium through which he transported himself back in time.. feeling the warmth of her touch.. the simple touch of her hands.. in the theater.. and the reminiscence he does have in the scene.. the simple window convo where she promises to remain in his life.. even if he tried to forget her.. she would re-visit in some form.. sigh.. he holds onto those little memories like his only treasure amongst all the wealth he had amassed.. he still carried his solitude way till the end.. coz no one really understood him.. not even Devki.. only his CP aka Parimita came close to giving him the benefit..

I digress.. yet again but my dark lord does that to me.. LOL.. this post is not about that though.. the very next epi reminded me.. and in fact reinforced when and what had exactly attracted me to VV- the man I openly and unabashedly did jaaps on.. So if the divorce paper bit made me take notice of him.. the argument with Devki on finding outside investment touched a chord.. where inspite of her impeccable debating skill he doesnt budge.. holds on to his conviction.. I loved how he stood his ground proclaiming.. yes what you just put forth is extremely legit but from your POV.. not from where I see it.. and one can't justify living just from his/her own POV.. but it was this very epi.. that hit base with me..

In the first scene he gave a clear view of the sorted objective man he was.. as he presented the scenario to the over-worried Devki after finding out her first deal is against V. Ind aka IMV- the guru.. Its simple.. he began.. I told pappa to step aside.. and D being her.. couldnt take that.. mahanta comes in.. LOL.. She begged to differ and the next bit made me jump up .. coz the real VV stood up right there.. he replies.. cool the other option is you bail out.. Ds astonishment was funny and characteristic.. I could see the things that were going through her mind.. where she probably thinks he doesnt think high enough of her.. etc etc.. juvenile that she is.. But VV here is the practical sorted man I soooo loved.. he kept it straight.. telling her how genuinely he appreciated her talent and hardwork.. but its starkly stupid to chose a high profile venture as a maiden venture where the odds are quite against you.. v. ind won't lose much in the bargain.. she and her co. wld.. what a prophecy this.. had she really considered it back then.. CP enterprise was doomed ever since she disregarded this voice of reason.. not one of her ventures bore fruits.. coz she failed to see the pragmatic approach.. this isnt 1950s where only acumen could get you somewhere.. playing with the system is a part of the deal.. anyhow he managed to find a warmth in her.. as he promised to be there for her whenever she needed.. typical him..

And after that VV scored brownie points with me.. Munira I remembered how you had alluded to it in a post of mine.. So Baa-bapuji pick on the kid and call him Ram Singh.. ROFL.. the incredulous look he gives.. when he genuinely doesnt get the humor is classic VV.. its strange how he was always picked on.. by the viranis.. esp the old couple.. never did they make fun of Sid or Nirali.. coz VV was the oddball.. so poor guy can't refuse the Ram Singhness.. but I love how he is pissed off at Ds procrastinating.. telling her let's leave in annoyance.. Bapuji's pagar kaat lunga was funny tho

and then the big moment.. D and her mahanta.. hey bhaggu..tht gal...I loved how he ranted there.. like voicing all of our opinion.. on how lame it comes across the big selfless righteousness act.. I wish he had shown this form to Sabina ONCE.. i wld have whistled.. rofl.. but anyhow he chides D for always trying to be on the good books.. of bending ways.. and in the bargain making others look bad.. of always projecting (she may not consciously but that was her default mode) how she easily lets him have his freedom in their matrimony.. making him feel like he is extremely insensitive.. and although D didn't have much to say to him.. I liked her comeback... rofl.. I chose to take the taxi here coz its cheaper.. you could see the 'I dont care for such humor' look on VV.. reminded me of the picnic mein cricket khelne ki fitrat nahi hain meri.. LOL..

and it ends with the Responsible, objective man VV.. taking accountability for Dali.. seeing Ds plight there.. defo what got D attracted to him first.. and I was on my way to being sold out to this guy myself.. coz his USP was how matter of fact he was.. no shosha, nothing.. stark honesty.. only content.. no embellishment.. sigh.. what a murder of this character in the end..

for now.. enjoy.. Ram Singh ROCKED..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zin00Vg2100&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0sN37F7k4s