Thursday, November 3, 2011

Scared and Trying

The days start and end with just one worry ......will I be able to make it ?

Only 3 universities I will be applying to . Only 3 .

Will this year end with a hope ?

Will the dreariness of life end ?

Will life change ?

Is following your dream happiness ?

Or is surrendering to the spirit happiness ?

Does surrendering to the spirit mean giving up on your dreams ?

It never felt right to me , that definition of surrender .

Maybe I am not ready to give up yet .

Maybe I am not ready for surrender .

I have struggled a lot about this and I have come to the conclusion

That I will try , I will not give up , although the possibility that this may not give me complete happiness remains , as

I cannot rest in peace otherwise , so simple .

What human beings set as goals never gives them complete happiness , but when they are guided by the spirit they are fulfilled was what I read .

But the spirit that urges me on is the one INSIDE me . So I take this as a guidance of the spirit . I am no Moses , Jesus or Muhammad for the Spirit to guide me from outside .

I have no idea why I think like this ........have fallen in this habit of evaluating each decision spiritually and practically both . It leads to so much unnecessary thinking when

All One really has to do is cut the crap and simply DO IT .






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5 comments:

  1. brightraysNovember 4, 2011 at 3:01 AM

    It's d uncertainity dat makes us doubt oneself nd we seek outward intervention without realising tht d courage nd strength is within us.

    U last line sums it up completely. Sincerely hope tht u attain wat u seek. All d Best:)

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  2. koolsadhuNovember 4, 2011 at 9:18 AM

    Thanks Brightrays . This is the month of being on the edge

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  3. SonaliNovember 4, 2011 at 11:13 AM

    Kools beta.. I had wanted to write to you over this week.. but didn't coz I didn't want to intrude... what you feel is rather human.. the apprehension.. the discomfort.. the fear.. but what I personally give more weight to is.. when I go to sleep.. Am I happy.. do I remotely have the sense of fulfillment regarding the day.. and when I wake up.. do I start with a renewed vigor.. fervor.. to complete what wasn't..

    Quoting tennyson from Ulyses'

    To Strive, to seek, to Find.. Not to yield..

    that shapes my life.. my spirit is indomitable.. and the only one who can defeat is I.. Me.. Myself.. (obviously b'coz of a lot of reasons that also matter like family, etc)

    but be happy that you are nervous.. apprehensive... scared.. that means you have the zest.. you still have the fire of desire working. for that dream.. and as long as that fire is alive..even a little flicker.. you Have hope..

    i am going to quote from the movie Zindagi Na Milegi dobara.. I liked it for Javed Aktar's poetries.. this one is one of my faves..

    Dilon me tum apni betabiyan leke chal rahe ho,to zinda ho tum
    Nazar me khwaabon ki bijliyan leke chal rahe ho,to zinda ho tum
    Hwa ke jhokon ke jaise aazad rehno sekho
    Tum ek dariya ke jaise lehron mein behna sekho
    Hr ek lamhe se tum milo khole apni baahein
    Hr ek pal ek nya sama dekhe nigahein
    Jo apni ankhon mein hairanian leke chal rahe ho,to zinda ho tum
    Dilon mein tum apni betabian leke chal rahe ho,to zinda ho tum

    so remember.. Dilon mein tum betabiyan leke jee rahe ho to.. ZINDA ho tum.. that's human life.. celebrate it.. celebrate your precious dream.. your spirit that dares to dream..

    P.S Btw brightrays is Munira.. just in case you didn't know... LOL

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  4. koolsadhuNovember 5, 2011 at 8:37 AM

    sonali thanks so much for those words of wisdom . You are SO correct . I needed to hear that , isiliye toh I am typing all my feelings . I enjoyed reading Tennyson and Javed Akhtar bOTH ...........

    You are so right , the feeling of apprehension keeps me ALIVE

    I know brightrays is Muneera I wish I has an ROFL emoticon

    Sipping my morning coffee and rereading ur wisdom . I am positive u were a SAGE in ur last birth .Hence the sense of completion within urself , the need to pray for things non existent and such profound analysis of ANYTHING.
    And of course , the Kool Beta . ROFL .

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  5. SonaliNovember 5, 2011 at 2:02 PM

    lmao.. Kools... first of all the BETA.. is an affectionate salutation to the naughty girl who was safely presumed to be a boy in the MB forum... (ah precious days.. your mooch mooch theories.. LOL)

    Secondly your sage reference reminds me of Sabina telling D that her mother must have been a sage.. for her to be like tht.. I am a mere simple human being.. and if I think of last birth.. I doubt I was human... ROFL.. at my most self-indulgent moment I wanna think I was a bird.. ROFL..

    and for profound wisdom.. hmm I only say things as I see it.. any real profundity may be related to the experiences I have had with human psyche at work or otherwise.. but most often than not.. it comes from my simplistic POV about most things.. LOL..

    and feel more than free to keep blogging.. it doesn't just serve as a vent but keeps us connected in some ways... and yeah I defo recommend tennyson's ulyses as a read.. the line I quoted is my all-time fave besides

    And this grey spirit yearning in desire
    To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
    Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

    these are the kinds of poems I have kept close to me from my high school course and outside reading.. one never realizes exactly what each well chosen work of literature is to life.. what sort of dimension it opens when you read it at a particular juncture.. so if there was an analogy I would want Ulyses' spirit.. the grey spirit for mine.. the hunger and desire to devour knowledge beyond the realm of human thought.. AMEN..

    here goes the verse for anyone who cares..

    http://www.portablepoetry.com/poems/alfredlord_tennyson/ulysses.html

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